Ouf! What a week! It was back to school for Tristan and me! I had really meant to write a year in review post but time just keep slipping away! I will however try really hard to finish posting about the trip on Japan and the trip to Vancouver/Seattle. I also wanted to write an up-date about Hudson's sleeping "problems" but that will also have to wait. Beside there is very little to say... she is still a horrible sleeper. We have been nursing through the night for the last 5 days. I am sleep deprived (is that new) and dealing with an over tired grumpy little lady! Breastfeeding has become this double edge sword. It is so convenient, healthy and makes dealing with a sick/teething/grump toddler so much easier. But on the other hand, it makes me the sole provider of comfort, which can be a daunting task when you hit your 5th day in a row without proper sleep! But enough of this said...
What I really meant to write about today was : ME! My PHD student self... and how I fared in my first semester back after having Hudson. So here is it... my self-assessment report card as both a mommy and a grad-student...
I give myself a C+
I really would deserve A for Effort... but the sad truth is that I almost lost my sanity trying to joggle my house life with my school life. In fact, I did such a poor job at it that I even considered quitting. I did so poorly that by mid-October, I was ready to give up. I was so far behind in all my school work that it did not even seem possible to obtain passing grades in any of my courses. How did it come to that? Well, there was many reasons... Hudson, the commute, the wedding, the oversea conference... but in fact... I was the only person to blame. I made poor choices (perhaps I was just naive) and paid the price. I have since then learned from my mistake. And I feel ready, this semester, to do what I wasn't able to d o in the fall! Enjoy my life. Here are some of the things I have learned along the way:
- Even thought it looked like I was home most of the time, I do need 40 hours a week to get all my work done. At first, I had assumed I could squeeze in my homework at night when Hudson is asleep (I know funny isn't it), if it wasn't for Gavy who stepped in and started babysitting for me, I would not have finished the semester.
-Having a daughter is great, but it will greatly limit your ability to go away for conference, talks or to attend schmoozing event.
-Having a kid at home makes it really hard for you to show up at impromptu time to meet with students or faculty.
-Playing lego with your daughter is a whole lot more appealing than writing a 20 pages essay...
-No matter who much you LOVE the course you are taking, if you haven't slept in a few days, you will not be able to concentrate.
-Keeping a house clean, a daughter happy AND finishing a conference paper while planning a wedding and running back and forth between swimming lessons and doctor's appointment is not recommended.
-Realizing that I much rather spend my days playing lego with my daughter than reading Ricoeur for the 10th time...
-Realizing that I much rather clean my house than be reading Ricoeur for the 11th time.
-Realizing my husband is just not into cleaning...
-Realizing that my husband still has no idea what is the difference between a night and a day diaper.
-Realizing it is nearly impossible to write a paper while breastfeeding my little wiggly baby...
But amidst all this, I also found out that :
-I love my field of study.
-I have a department willing to support me.
-I have a husband wiling to learn the difference between a night and day diaper.
-I have a house that still doesn't look too bad when messy.
but more importantly...
I am truly grateful that no matter how hard it is... no matter how little sleep I get... no matter how many conference I have to pass on...
I am happy I get to stay home all day with Hudson and study what I love all night!
And that is why I am looking forward to all the challenges this new semester will bring forth!
Because at the end of the day... when I finally get to rest my head on the pillow... I know I was lucky enough to be doing what I always wanted to do!
And if you wonder... one of the grade came out this morning... and I got an A+
And even though I gave myself a C+
Another thing deserves an A+