Friday, January 24, 2014

The not so pretty, the bad and the ugly... momma PHD

 
I took this picture yesterday morning, as I was trying to get ready to go to work. And by work, I mean go to my University to get some work done on my thesis proposal.

My daughter was clearly not happy...

I said to her : "Smile for mommy" and this is the evil look she gave me.

I was trying to get her ready to go to her school... She loves it there... but she doesn't like how rushed we are in the morning... 

How mommy has to get ready... get Phénix ready... get her ready.... 

It is hard not to feel guilty. But when it happens, I try to remember that I am lucky enough to be home with my kids, 5 days a week. I didn't have to go back to work after a six weeks maternity leave... 

Phénix will probably never remember I left him at home 8 hours a day twice a week...

Yet, I feel guilty. I feel torn. One part of me wants to stay home with my kids while they are little... we all know how fast they grow... But part of me also wants that PHD... more than anything...

And in those moments... when the guilt takes over... when I realized I spend more time in front of the computer than with my kids, that Phénix only ate 2 oz all day when I was gone, that my house looks like a hurricane went through...

I take a moment... I close my eyes... and I remember why I do this!

When my eyes are closed, I can see myself... in my black graduation gown... crossing the stage, while holding Hudson and Phénix's hands, to receive my diploma! 

This is the image I am holding on. The only one worth this chaotic life. Not an image of "me" gradating. Not and image of "me" with my happy family. But instead, the combined image of me graduating with my family! 

One or the other could not make me happy.
If I had one but not the other, I would not feel happiness, I would not feel successful..
I need one and the other to define me...
But more importantly: I have to keep my eyes on the price!




Today, Phénix is 4 months! Compared to his sister, he is a big boy! Some days, I find, he never was little. Growing too fast... way too fast... This week, twice, he sat up by himself! He also started swimming lessons and let me tell you, he is a natural! Last week, he grabbed a toy for the first time! I am telling you... he is growing way too fast.





Today, his big sister is 28 months... and she rocks my world. I love how stubborn she is. I love how much self-confidence she has. But what I LOVE most about her, is how caring she is. She makes me proud in so many ways! If only she could consistently sleep through the night... alas... it is still a fierce battle to get her to bed.... But I am sure... one day... I will miss it ;-)




  


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