The not so pretty, the bad and the ugly... momma PHD

 

I took this picture yesterday morning, as I was trying to get ready to go to work. And by work, I mean go to my University to get some work done on my thesis proposal.

My daughter was clearly not happy...

I said to her : "Smile for mommy" and this is the evil look she gave me.

I was trying to get her ready to go to her school... She loves it there... but she doesn't like how rushed we are in the morning... 

How mommy has to get ready... get Phénix ready... get her ready.... 

It is hard not to feel guilty. But when it happens, I try to remember that I am lucky enough to be home with my kids, 5 days a week. I didn't have to go back to work after a six weeks maternity leave... 

Phénix will probably never remember I left him at home 8 hours a day twice a week...

Yet, I feel guilty. I feel torn. One part of me wants to stay home with my kids while they are little... we all know how fast they grow... But part of me also wants that PHD... more than anything...

And in those moments... when the guilt takes over... when I realized I spend more time in front of the computer than with my kids, that Phénix only ate 2 oz all day when I was gone, that my house looks like a hurricane went through...

I take a moment... I close my eyes... and I remember why I do this!

When my eyes are closed, I can see myself... in my black graduation gown... crossing the stage, while holding Hudson and Phénix's hands, to receive my diploma! 

This is the image I am holding on. The only one worth this chaotic life. Not an image of "me" gradating. Not and image of "me" with my happy family. But instead, the combined image of me graduating with my family! 

One or the other could not make me happy.

If I had one but not the other, I would not feel happiness, I would not feel successful..

I need one and the other to define me...

But more importantly: I have to keep my eyes on the price!

Today, Phénix is 4 months! Compared to his sister, he is a big boy! Some days, I find, he never was little. Growing too fast... way too fast... This week, twice, he sat up by himself! He also started swimming lessons and let me tell you, he is a natural! Last week, he grabbed a toy for the first time! I am telling you... he is growing way too fast.

Today, his big sister is 28 months... and she rocks my world. I love how stubborn she is. I love how much self-confidence she has. But what I LOVE most about her, is how caring she is. She makes me proud in so many ways! If only she could consistently sleep through the night... alas... it is still a fierce battle to get her to bed.... But I am sure... one day... I will miss it ;-)

  

What 2013 has taught me

Well, this has been a really busy Holiday season! I did not have time for a few posts I had planned. On Christmas eve my little man turned 3 months old! He is doing great and he is a great sleeper, on most nights, he sleeps through the night... on the other hand... his sister is still not sleeping much...

Last night we rang in the New Year, in our warm comfy bed, after a great day sliding and visiting friends. I made my New Year Resolution (drink more water) and tackled the 2014.

For a while I was tempted in writing a year in review post, but decided instead to write a "What has 2013 taught me" post instead... so without further delay... here it is! 

(In no particular order)

-You don't know how easy it is to have 1 kid until you have a second one!

-Tandem nursing sucks! (but we are still going strong)

-When your legs are hairier than the cat's, it is time to shave them!

-Never send your husband by himself  for a hair cut!

-Leaving your kid for the first time at school/daycare is heart wrenching!

-A chiro is your best friend during pregnancy!

-It is amazing how quickly a gastro enteritis can spread!

-When you have kids in school/daycare you encounter illnesses you have never heard off before! (Hand, mouth and foot disease for us).

-Some babies are just naturally good sleeper (parents should stop taking the credit)

-Some babies are just naturally horrible sleeper (no your parenting skills don't suck)

-A VBAC is amazing!

-You don't realize how horrible the recovery of a c-section is until (unless) you've had a natural birth!

- Even a third degree tear and horrible hemorrhoids is still more enjoyable to recover from than a c-section!

-Using all natural, home made cleaner is the best, especially when your toddler decides to use it to wash her little brother! (no harm done, it was vinegar and orange peel)

-In DIY renovation, the final cost never matches the estimate your husband gave you!

-Having one of each is expensive!

-Having one of each is fun!

-Phénix is a very common name.... on our street... 

-Santa exists!

-Papa has no money (No money papa)

-No matter how many toys your kid gets on Christmas eve, you will find them playing with some empty bottles and old tennis ball on Christmas morning!

-Even if it is sunny in the forecast, as soon as your tent is set up, it will rain.
-You can live with 3 hours a sleep a night!
-You can survive on 3 hours of sleep a week!
-2 kids + PHD studies = a very ambitious mother of two who is constantly nearing a burn out!
-Give scissor to your toddler and she shall cut! (including the table cloth)
-Some toddlers have a fascination for everything sharp! 

-I am lucky to have the people I have in my life!